Horoscopes

Capricorn, 12/22-1/19 This week you'll triumph above all odds: start speaking in a British accent to anyone in your way.

Aquarius, 1/20-2/18 Get your adrenaline pumping by watching the movie Bullit; its got the best car chase scene ever.

Pisces, 2/19-3/20 Have a military friend listen to Neil Young; they'll be a kinder, gentler machine-gun hand.

Aries, 3/21-4/19 This week is a week of surprises. That's really all there is to say.

Taurus, 4/20-5/20 This week you'll stumble upon a random Pog collection. Hopefully it has a BAMF slammer in it.

Gemini, 5/21-6/21 Buy a turbocharged sports car manufactured by a European firm-it's time to get your ya-yas out.

Cancer, 6/22-7/22 Go to a Chinese restaurant and order food. Immediately do as the fortune cookie instructs.

Leo, 7/23-8/22 Don't take any guff from these swine: read a book written in the 1960s and live as your parents did.

Virgo, 8/23-9/22 Only raise your hand when you have something valuable to contribue to class and find new respect.

Libra, 9/23-10/22 Buy tickets for a Brewer's game. Cubs fans: stop singing Go Cubs Go; no one wants to hear it.

Scorpio, 10/23-11/21 Pizza is so the best food ever-go get some before it's too late and you're left hungry.

Sagittarius, 11/22-12/21 Your sign sort of sounds like a violin. Maybe you'll turn into one. Maybe you won't.