Movie review: "Ninja Assassin"

Today I submit a question with my review: What guy doesn't like a stupid action movie? Guys love explosions, blood, gunfire, babes and battles. We sit around with our buddies and watch action films because that's what guys do. But how about "Ninja Assassin". Explosions? Check. Battles? Check. Ninja? Check. Ridiculous amounts of CGI blood spraying everywhere? Check. "Ninja Assassin" is the story of Raizo (Korean pop star Rain… I have no idea who he is either), taken at birth to be trained and raised as a ninja. When his master kills the woman he loves when she tries to escape, Raizo deserts and ends up being hunted by the very group he trained with. Elsewhere, an Interpol agent starts investigating strange murders worldwide and eventually meets Raizo, who protects her. The two of them must work together to stop the evil Ozunu clan and end the ninja forever. The plot is recycled and lame, but it doesn't matter. You'll be too busy watching Raizo cut every ninja in a five-square-mile area into Hamburger Helper to really care. Seriously. This is such an insanely violent action film that the plot falls to the wayside almost instantly. Everyone in the movie seems to have about 10 gallons of CGI blood in their body and, if anything more than a needle pokes them, they'll spray blood in every direction. Every time Raizo brings a knife, sword or sharp pointy object anywhere on screen it results in about 100 dead ninjas in the goriest manner possible. While the action is great and fun, the story, acting and attempts at a linear plot fail horribly. Rain, the Korean pop star that plays Raizo, has as much acting ability as my foot. He's either mumbling about something or screaming and going kill crazy with his CGI weapon (yeah, the main weapon he uses throughout the movie is CGI). Apparently the film has broken records in Korea where Rain is huge. I think it might be the equivalent of Britney Spears playing a bloodthirsty Viking warlord… although I would probably still see that. So, in the end, you won't go to "Ninja Assassin" to find a new favorite movie or some kind of deep personal discovery. You'll go with your buddies to laugh, cheer and laugh again. It's perfect Man Date material. You'll hang out with your buddy, you'll get some dinner and then you'll watch some Ninjas destroy each other. Sounds like a good night to me.

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